Been to Hell
by treehugginghalfasian
Summary: Matthew Williams is just a normal quiet teenager. Well... really is he? *Rated T for self harm/depression. Shonen-ai/yaoi in later chapters*
1. Chapter 1: The Family Drama

**Author's note: Well this is my first Hetalia Fan fiction I have written. I even got up at 4 am to write more of it when my mom caught me on the laptop last night xD I just woke up... As I was writing this, I was listening to Hollywood Undead. x) Tee hee, enjoy this really angsty story :P**

**Prologue**

I am Matthew Williams, the 16 year teenager that never gets noticed. My hyperactive brother Alfred F Jones gets all the attention. I know he cares for me deeply. Some days, I want to be noticed instead.

On the outside appearance I look okay. With my light brown hair done neatly and dressed for school. On top of that a fake smile every day. The inside is another story though. Times when I do get noticed and talk to people, they never ask me what is wrong. I m just an average person with a normal life to them. Oh how wrong people can be.

I am Matthew Williams and this is my story...

**Chapter one**

I remember my parents deciding to get a divorce like it was yesterday. My sweet kind mother wasn't happy with dad any more. Dad felt the same way too. I couldn't feel the love they would share together any more. After all that, my mother decided I would live with her. We moved into an apartment when she found a job. The place we lived was around the Toronto area in Canada. My mom got a good paying job and we lived near our relatives too. I remember spending happy days with my cousins and watching cartoons. Out life was in paradise. For just a few years.

Over the courses of a few months, my life with my mom turned upside down. Mom got laid from her job and coped with life by drinking. I would come back from elementary school with mom in her room. She was crying and sobbing about dad saying she missed him.

We were kicked out since she couldn't pay the bills any more. Mom ended up living with her mom. Or known as my grandma. Mommy was so deep into her drinking that she started getting violent. She even scared me too. Later, she got into marijuana usage. I would cry at night thinking about how I just want my own kind mommy back.

While I was at school one day, I got called down to the office. I learned that my mom ended up in a rehab center. She was stupid and went drunk in public. I couldn't help but break down and cry the whole time while I was waiting for my relatives to pick me up. I had to start living with my grandma. Then the most horrible thing happened. Grandma started losing her memory. It started by her not being able to keep track of time and forgetting where she would go.

My aunt, with the permission of my mom, told me it would be best to live with my dad. During then, I have never seen my dad in years. So at the age of 13, I moved in with my dad. They lived in Brighton, Michigan and it was only a few hundred miles away. My life turned in another direction again.

With a new life and all, I was very lonely. No loving mommy to go talk to about my problems. No aunts to take you grocery shopping and other places. No cousins to play with on the playground. Or even hang out with. I was drowning in a deep dark hole. On the weather channels, there was news about teenagers getting into drugs and self injury. I always thought they were stupid for getting into those kinds of stuff. Eventually I ended up trying one of them. Self mutilation.

I remember the first cut I made on my left wrist. I had a bad day at school. With kids ignoring me, teachers ignoring me, everyone ignoring me. It made me sick. I was alone and unhappy. It was hard to hold back the tears. I thought about some thing for a moment. No one cares. No one would care if I had cuts on my arms. So I took this opportunity to do something I never done before. My screams wouldn't be silent any more as I watch myself bleed.

I took out a pair of scissors and started pressing down hard on my wrists. Then came along the red line it would make as I moved the dull blade across. It burned and stinged. It also itched like hell. It looked like a scratch that was from a cat after I stopped bleeding. I felt so relieved. I was calmed down. So as weeks went by I inflicted more scratches with the scissors. My wrist was covered up with "cat scratches."

I just hide them away with a hoodie or sweatshirt I would wear. No one questioned why I only wore hoodies and long sleeves, even in the warmer hot days. Every time father, alfred and I went clothes shopping, I only bought long sleeves. Soon my wardrobe was filled with them.

I just hope never will notice the cuts on my wrists. I mean no one cares right?

**I feel like I should have wrote more well review the story so I can improve my writing ^^**


	2. Chapter 2: School Morning

**Authors note: This chapter isn't really depressing. But I hope you enjoy it :)**

Chapter Two

BEEEP BEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEP. I wake up. 6 am. Time to get up for school. I get out of bed to shut the annoying loud alarm clock off. It was a shame I had to leave my comfortable warm bed. Just so I can get my ass and go to high school. I took out my my white shirt and turquoise blue hoodie and put it on. Next a pair of blue jeans. Then I picked up my comb and made my hair.

I walked out of my room to wake up Alfred my brother. The job of waking him up always on me. I shook him back and forth. He still doesn't wake up. A minute later of that he woke up.

"What's up my bro. Why you have to wake me up like that?" Alfred said as soon as he woke up

"Thats because you it's hard to wake you up." I replied. "We have school so get out of bed and start getting ready."

After all that, I went into the kitchen to make myself breakfast. The fridge had Eggo my eggo chocolate chip waffles. So I just put them in the mini oven and heat them up. Afterwards I took some maple syrup out and some "I can't believe it's not butter" butter.

"DING" Waffles were done. I took them out of the oven and put them on a fancy plate. Covered it in butter and syrup. Boy, it looks delicious and I could just taste it by its smell. Oh god, my mouth is watering and craving for it's taste. So I sat down at the table and gobbled it down.

After all the messing of eating waffles, I looked at my plate in fake tears. The waffle is gone, but was good while it lasted. So I cleaned the dirty plate in the sink. The bus is about to come to come so I put on my backpack and shoes. I walked into Alfred's room and told him that the bus is almost coming.

"Eh okay" he says back to me. He just sits in his bed reading some comic or manga. So I just walked into the hallway and out the house. It's his fault if he misses the bus.

Boy it was cold. Every time I let my breath, I could see it in the chilliness of the air. This weather was good for wearing hoodies. Just so I can hide my cuts and scars. I been hiding them for two years. Now I'm 15 years old and just a freshman in high school. On a daily occasion I would wear wrist bands in the summer. My skin is white pale so the scars fit in and are barely noticeable. Yay for being canadian. Even though I have no idea if canadians are related to pale skin or not.

Then the bus came, and Alfred ran just in time. I always look at him with a disappointed look. It happens practically every school day in the morning. So we both got on the bus. I just sit in the front. While Alfred sits in the back with his friends Arthur and Francis. Just cause I don't want to be pulling a Rebecca Black and having trouble choosing what seat to take.

Alfred was always at the center of attention. Every weekend he has friends that come over to our house. Most of the time it's Arthur and Francis since they live close by. They would just play video games and eat the munchies all down. I have hung out with them before, but I was always quiet and awkwardly there. Sometimes I would go home when they were all in downtown Brighton hanging out. My excuses? "I'm tired" or "Um well I have homework"

I, myself have never been a Straight A student. Back in 7th and 8th grade, I completely failed school. Some what I manage to pass all my classes though. Which is the weird thing. Plus this high school year I manage to pass with D's or C's. Just cause I want to finish high school and get out of there. I some what do my homework. I would miss some assignments. Or I would do terrible in so called "group work." Well it's because I work alone in these kind of things. Teacher doesn't care to try and put me in a group. They always told me I could just work alone. I didn't mind since I am always alone.

By the time I was done wondering off in my mind, the school bus reached school. I got off and walked along the sidewalk, into the school. Just going to be another day hopefully. Then I'll have homework at the end of the day again. Same thing over and over.


	3. Chapter 3: Alone

**Author s note: Some depressing stuff ahead. Before reading, prepare your mind. :| I have personally struggled with self injury. It s hard to stop after you get into it. Just a light warning. If you get triggered by this story, you can skip the paragraph that talks about self injury.**

I went through the boring school day. All I can think of it is that it was lonely and a waste of time. In algebra class, I failed a test. Well there goes half of my grade. So I just come home on the bus and went straight home. I walk on the concrete sidewalks with cars passing by. I looked at the cracks with grasses and flowers growing out of them. All I could think about is how I can jump in front of one of them. Will any one try and stop me? I wonder what my body would look like afterwards. I can t do that since my brother is walking ahead of me. So I just sighed and hold my insanity inside of me.

When I got home I sat down and did homework in one of my academics. Then I took a nap and hugged my snow white stuffed polar bear plushie. It was something my mom gave me before I went back and lived with dad. Everyone always told me I shouldn t sleep with a stuffed animal since it s childish. I don t care what they think. It s the last thing I have close to me that reminds me about mom. I could almost feel her next to me when I hug it. Her side of the family rarely calls me anyways. So I tried to fall asleep. My eyes were getting sleepy, then I fell into a deep sleep.

When I did wake up, it was Alfred s friends who came over. As always it s Francis and Arthur making a big fuss. Yelling at people on the call of duty game online. It is a friday night so that was kind of expected. So I went into the kitchen to get something to eat.

I looked into the freezer and fridge. Just to find nothing I want to eat. I didn t care though. I was just going to gain weight just from eating. People did tell me I looked skinny, but I still don t think the same way. I just walked upstairs and went straight into my room. I looked at my back pack on the floor. I just remembered I had homework. I don t want to bother doing it. Home work wasn t that attractive anyways. I could always just do it Sunday night. Not like my grades will be better anyways.

I couldn t help but be jealous of my brother having friends every night coming over. I seriously wished I had a friend to tell secrets to. On top of that hang out and play video games and talk about manga. Due to my shyness and awkwardness. I could never make friends. I would maybe talk to a person for about a week, and the next week they never talk to me again. Being lonely is normal for me though. The blade and knives were the friends I never had. They re always there to comfort me and calm me down. Especially times when I have major anxiety attacks.

So I open up one of my drawers from my dresser. One was full of knives, razors, and blades. I lost track of the numbers as I collected more. They were found around the house and somes school. I remember during school I stole an exacto knife when I was in art class. It seems like my teacher didn t notice at all. Which was a good thing. The beauty I faked let me live my life like this, and I didn t mind.

I took the exacto knife and looked at it. It looked sharp and clean. The blade is going to be my friend for tonight. I pulled up my left sleeve to reveal scars. Along with some other scratches and cuts. I scanned my left wrist for a place to cut. Just like a heroin addict looking for a vein to shoot up one. I pressed the blade and slowly cut it across. I didn t mind the pain, it felt like my pain bottled up from the inside was rushing out. Blood started oozing out from the wound. I made another red line. I saw red ribbons as the blood came out. I smeared it all over. It looked like something from horror movie. I stared at it for a few more minutes. It looked so pretty. Hey, who said you can t find beauty in pain? Plus the blood represents all my emotions that has been smeared all over and came out. If I had a camera I would take pictures, but it seems like I can t do that though. Oh well. I could do it next time when I get ahold of one.

After the crimson ritual, I took some tissues out of a tissue box. Wiped most of the blood off to make less of a mess. Afterwards I opened my bedroom door. I checked the hallway to make sure no one was around. Then I went dashing off into the bathroom and locked the door. I took a towel and pressed it against my cuts. My wounds still kept on bleeding through the towel. I tried to calm down and press harder. Hopefully it will stop. I started getting light headed and worried.

When It did stop. I was happy and glad it did. Then I took some bandages from the cabinet behind the mirror. I wrapped my wrist around the cut and bandaged it. It stung but it was well worth it. My back laid against the bathroom wall. I started to think about my self injuring habits. I never want to stop. I don t have an urge right now to even think about quitting. I m pretty sure I never want to quit. Nothing good will happen to me if I stopped. It invested itself inside of me, but I don t mind anyways.


	4. Chapter 4: Swing Sets

I opened my eyes to see the sunshine morning light. I didn't want to get out of my comfortable warm bed. My hands reached out for my glasses on the nightstand and afterwards I took the covers off me. Got out of bed and walked into the hallway into the bathroom. I combed my hair and washed my face with cold water.

I walked down the stairs to go downstairs. Alfred and his friend slept on the couch and floor. I would imagine they went through a night of gaming again. So I grabbed my coat off the hanger to go outside to go to the local park. It was kind of chilly and cold but I didn't mind.

Walked out of the door and started making my way toward the park on the sidewalk. Same thoughts appeared in my head again. The thought of jumping in front of a car sounds really attractive. Just get rid myself of the world and be less of a bother to every one.

By the time I reached into the park I proceed to go to the children's playground. Not to sound like a pedo or anything, it just reminds me of a time I was a kid. So I sat on the swings and tried to swing myself. It was my favorite thing to do during recess. Especially when I had no one to play with. All the other kids had someone to play with. I felt bad for letting my social anxiety taking control of me. No wonder why I never made any friends.

"May I sit in the swing next to you?" The teenage male voice that surprised me said. I looked over. I saw a guy with Gray hair and red eyes. He looked very young too. That really surprised me about the hair color. He may have been the same height as me. I'm not quite sure though.

"Yeah go ahead. I don't mind." I replied to him. He looked like a nice individual.

"How is your morning today young one? And by the way, my name is Gilbert. What's yours?" The gray haired kid in a nice happy voice asked me. I had no idea what to say. So I would just make something up to make myself seem like a happy person.

"Well I woke up and decided to go outside. My name is Matthew Williams, I'm not really known around this town." I said.

"Awh you seem like a good nice person. I would want to know you! Can I call you Mattie? The fantastic me likes giving out nicknames"

"Awh really?" I said blushing. This guy was unusually nice to me. I really liked it. "Yeah go ahead. No one ever gave me a cute nickname like that before."

"Awh thanks Mattie! Well recently I just moved here. So I might be going to your school. Well if it is Brighton high."

"I go to brighton high with my brother Alfred. We are in the same grade."

"Awesome! I hope I can see you around these parts. Anyways, want to get out of the park and go to my house? Or maybe show me around town some day?"

My social anxiety perked up. I didn't know what to say. I just met this guy and he wants to hang out. I'm to overcome this. I can't let it take over my life.

"Sure, I always have free time. Just have my contact number on my phone or something." I got the courage and told him.

So we both exchanged numbers and went to Gilbert's house. His house was in the same neighborhood as mine. Knowing this, I hope we become friends.


	5. Chapter 5: Wanted for Once

Gilbert and I walked to his house. His house was located in the bad side of our neighborhood. Basically you can call his place the Ghetto of Brighton. There were a lot of strong stench of marijuana coming from people houses. Well the ones that decided not to close their doors.

Just the both of us decided to hang out for a few hours. When we had conversations, turns out we have the almost same pasts about our moms. His mom was a drug addict though, mine wasn't. Mine was alcoholic. The only thing close to drugs my mom did was mary jane.

Gilburt also mentioned that he had a brother. A brother named Ludwig with blond hair and blue eyes. I told him about my brother Alfred, and how I get mistaken for him all the time. The idea depressed me though, but he said that he would never mistake me for my brother. I hope he can keep that promise. Most people can't to save their lives.

When I opened the wooden door to my house, all I saw were worried faces. Alfred and all his friends were all worried cat about me. I don't see the big deal with it.

"Where have you been? I worried as shit about you! You should have told someone before going!" Alfred yelled in my face.

"Just leave me alone." I cried at loud I actually had a good time walking. So why don't you go and play call of booty or what ever that game is called!" I just ignored him and went into the kitchen. Looked inside the fridge to see what is left all the food in our house. Found some incredible discovery. Made the usual waffles and maple syrup.

Over in the living room I could hear Francis, Arthur and Alfred talking and arguing about me.

"Dude, something is wrong with your brother. He wears long sleeves and hoodies in the hottest of weathers! Haven't you noticed? Plus he's always in his room." Arthur said to Alfred

"He has always been like that. Ever since he moved here. Isn't that normal of him?" Alfred replied

"perhaps a lack of sex? I noticed he never checked out any girls or anything. How could he not experience any beauties?" Francis Commented. Arthur and Alfred Just looked at him weirdly.

That pissed me off. I never liked a girl or treat them like some sex toy. I treat all people with respect. The thought of treating them like trash makes me feel like a douche bag. So I just proceed to eat the rest of my delicious waffles to fill my belly up.

"Well last night I noticed Matt was in the bathroom for a long time. What was he doing? Becoming a man with his hands?" Francis said in a giggling voice.

"Shut up. You jack off to every thing all the time." Arthur argued.

Francis cheeks turned red. "Your suppose to keep that a secret!" He yelled out loud.

Why couldn't they keep their conversations down? I already know they all jack off to porn on the internet anyways. Myself, I never looked at any. Don't have a desired interest to experience anything on that subject. Heck, I never been in a relationship or did anything with anyone.

I proceed to go wash the dishes in the sick. Scrubbed the plate with soap and hot water. I just hated the fact that my bandages get wet afterwards. Then made my way upstairs, just to be stopped by Alfred's friend.

"Matt you're going uptown and hanging out with us!" Arthur said to me in the face. Oh great. This is going to suck. I never liked hanging out with them since I felt like a loner. During the whole time though, I could text Gilbert. I'm sure he will reply back. He said he was very lonely and didn't mind texts from me. This was an opportunity to get to know each other better. It seems like we had an emotional connection from the start. I can't describe the feeling. I know it's a happy feeling, but It's perfect in a way too.

"Okay, I don't mind. Let me go upstairs and get some stuff." I replied back to him, then finished my way upstairs.

I looked in my bedroom for money, to buy some art supplies or notebooks. The boys have a tendency to go to walmart or something. My special Hobby in secret was art. No matter what, even if I make a mistake or something, it could be a good one.

"Hey! You ready Matt? We are about to go now!" Yelled Alfred from downstairs.

"Okay I'm coming!" I said back. I made my way out of my messy room and walked down stairs. The whole gang was at the door waiting for me. Checked my pockets to make sure my phone was there. Yep it was there. Now my mind was set. For the next hour or so.

Our whole group went outside into the cool weather. We walked on the side walk to reach downtown. My group wanted to meet a few more people to add to our hang out. Which surprised me cause I'm not good with new people often. I whipped out my flip phone with a keyboard, and started to text Gilbert.

_What is up? My brother and his gang of friends wanted to hang down town so I went along with them. So how is your day?_

Click. Message sent. I after a minute I began to be impatient. What if he really didn't really like me? Why isn't he replying? I swear I was going to have an anxiety attack if he didn't reply.

Then the phone vibrated. It was from Gilbert. I read his text message.

_OH SHIT REALLY? MY BRO AND I ARE MEETING WITH SOME OTHER PEOPLE TOO! He said he met them around town at night in the park. Yeah my bro has a thing to go out at night. The only thing he said was that he was meeting some perverted french guy and another guy with big bushy ass eyebrows. And some one who names their glasses texas._

I gulped. I was ignored. Well his brother didn't know me yet so I can't really blame him. I proceed to text him back.

_That describes Alfred and his group of friends._

Clicked the send botton and sent the message. Then proceed to keep on walking and wait for another text message.

_HOLYY AWESOME MEEH. WE COULD MEET UP :D CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU MY MATTIE 3_

I smiled when I read it. Never in my life have I had some one who was excited to see me that much. If I hadn't held back my emotions, I would be crying in tears right now.

_That was sweet of you. :) Okay see you!_

Then message sent. A few minutes after, an unknown presence hugged me from behind, tightly.


	6. Chapter 6: Walmart Adventures

*** Authors Note: I had a hard time with this chapter and well.. having a writers block for only this chapter. Don't worry though, I have ideas for the new chapter :) By the way there is a big store like wallmart called meijers in our town, but I switched it to wallmart to avoid confusion***

I looked behind and saw Gilbert. Gilbert's arm across the chest were squishing me. I didn't mind though. My heart started beating faster as I started to get a weird feeling in my stomach. My shyness really gets the best of me. Arthur, Francis, Alfred and Ludwig all looked at us weirdly. My cheeks blushed a tint of pink. Then Gilbert let go of me.

"Oh so theses are people you hang out with? They must be lucky" Gilbert said in a jealous voice.

"Stop it with the compliments, you!" I said back to him as I looked at the ground.

"Awh, what's the matter mattie? Am I too awesome for you?" He said to me.

"uh, I give up." He won our first argument together. I had no comebacks to say back to him.

Our whole entire group walked around downtown. After getting extremely bored of walking, we all decided it was a good idea to go into wal-mart. I was having an unusual good time hanging out with people today. Gilbert would always try and get me to talk. On top of that, try and tickle me for no reason. He unfortunately found my tickle spot. He asked about the curl too that is randomly sticking out from my hairstyle.

"Oh it's nothing. No matter what I do, it's always sticking out. I have tried to pull it out but I never could." That was the best I could describe the definition of my random curl.

"umm... Tee hee" He said with a suspicious face that looks likes he about to plan something evil. Then he pulled on my curl.

"Oh, awh, stop it" I spoke in a wierd voice slowly, and almost skipping over some words

I never met anyone who tried to treat me nicely as he does. It's really impossible to believe that I just met him today. We are just good buddies the first time we met.

Ludwig decided to speak out.

"Okay me and Matt are going to the bathroom, we will find you guys later."

I didn't agree to this but I went along with it. There was a sense of anxiety flowing over me. This was a little unexpected. So I followed him to the bathroom. We both went through halfway through the store and finally reached the men's bathroom. Then Ludwig looked behind me in the eye with a serious look.

"Well Matt.. Um.. There is something I have to tell you about my brother." He said.

"You can tell me anything, I really don't mind." I replied to him. What was it? He is a murderer? A drug addict? A Bad person in general?

"He is well.. what people consider gay."

I was confused. I just made a weird face at him in my mind. Like why would it matter? I don't believe gays are a bad thing. I'm not a homophobe. If I found out later, I honestly wouldn't care.

"Excuse me, I'm confused. I really don't see the difference really." I said to him.

He smiled and looked at me, "Well thank you. All the others know but I wanted you to know as well."

While Ludwig relieved himself, I looked in the mirror. Can't believe I'm still here. I mean I have tried countless times to cut my wrist deeper and deeper, just so I won't wake up the next morning. As long as I can see Gilbert, I wouldn't mind waking up the next morning.

After Ludwig was done, we both made our way back to the group. All I saw was Francis trying to be all perverted on him. The look on Gilbert's face gave me the message that he didn't like it at all. So I ran and snatched Gilbert from Francis's evil horny clutches.

"Grr he's mine, hands off" I said and looked at Francis straight in the eye. That hentai-addicted guy always creeping on every one. Even Arthur when he is sick in bed. No one is going to treat Gilbert like he was just now.

Arthur, Alfred, and especially Francis, Looked at me in surprise.

"Whoah brother what has gotten into you recently? It seems like you and Gilbert are so clingy even though you just met." Alfred asked me in a so shocking voice.

"Nothing really," I said skipping over words and blushing. I looked down so I would see all their faces.

Gilbert put his arm around me and whisper in my ear."It's okay, I like when someone is clingy to me sometimes, it's only cool if it is a guy. Girls are just.. ugh, no thank you." Wow with that sentence he said, he just out proved himself as a guy who digs guys. I would have guess he was gay if Ludwig didn't even told me.

Shit got crazy when we went into the toy section. We found nerf guns in the boy section. So we all pretended to be idiots and shoot each other. When we got caught by the employees, we tried to hide away like FBI agents. On top of that, in the pet alliel we watched hamsters try and kill each other using their hamster wheels. May sound morbid but they do try without knowing it.

Gilbert went into the men section and ended up looking at boxers. He picked out ones that he thought looked cool. He even found one with red maple leaves on it. We laughed about it. There was even superman and south park ones. It felt like being a girl going shopping for underwear. Francis ended up going to the girls underware and walked around with a laced bra on his head like it was nothing. The group slowly backed away from him and pretended to not know him. Poor Francis.

Our whole group bought a big pack of monster and we all drank it in the parking lot. We acted like complete idiots. Just waving at random people as they came by and drove. Drove on top of the karts and almost hit someone. On top of that, get into carts and push each other.

The rest of the day was amazing. Probably the most fun I had in my life. The only fun I had was when I was with my cousins pretending to be pokemon in canada.

Then we all had to walk home. I gave Gilbert the biggest hug ever when we departed.

I sat in bed just thinking about the whole day. I couldn't stop smiling while I was in my bed thinking about the whole entire day. I hugged my polar bear plushie even more as I grew a bigger smile on my face.


	7. Chapter 7: Spin The Bottle

Well I managed to get through the week end. Now It's time to wake up for school. Didn't have the urge to get out of bed at all. My idea was to stay in bed and just pretend to act sick. The school knows that my absence limit already reached over so It was a bad option. Plus it was my duty to wake Alfred any ways each morning.

* * *

My first hour is boring as always, which is Game programming. In my opinion it is pretty boring. Never figure out how to code shit at all. Luckily I got through most of the class by asking the guy next to me for help. For practically everything.

Some one through the door burst in late. It was Gilbert. One like me is going to be surprised at seeing their new friend in one of their classes.

"The awesome new student is here! Be honored!" He spoke in front of the whole room. His red eyes screened the whole entire room, and it landed on me.

"MATTIE? You're in this class? Yippee, that's awesome sauce!" He yelled out loud. Then everyone in the room started at me. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. A person like me hates being noticed by everyone. lets just hope they won't remember anything of it.

Out teacher got out of her desk and stand next to Gilbert to introduce him.

"Class, this is our new student Gilbert. Everyone, be sure to make him feel welcome here in the class. Now Gilbert, you may choose any empty seat you would like to sit in."

Gilbert was walking towards the empty computer desk next to mine. I knew he was going to sit next to me. Well at least I don't feel as uncomfortable in this class as I was before.

* * *

At the end of class Gilbert tapped my shoulder as he got up from his seat.

"Um excuse me? Do you happen by chance have any classes with me, Mattie?" Then took his class schedule out from his pocket. I looked at it and turns out we have a few hours together and on top of that, Lunch with each other.

"Sweet. Well see you at lunch and some other hours!" He mentioned and ran off to the next class. School will be a little better for me now.

* * *

"HEY MATTIE!" He yelled from across the lunch room. My face turned red. I walked over and sat down on my normal seat. Proceeded to take some stuff out of my backpack and started doing my homework from other classes. Gilbert gave me a nudge on my upper arm.

"Hey um, why aren't you eating?" He asked.

I sighed. Truth is, don't wanna get fat and the maple syrup and pancakes sucks at our school. There was no use telling him though.

"I'm not really Hungry." I answered and lied to him. Why is he so worried about it? I barely eat and I'm fine.

* * *

Well, I got myself through another day of highschool. When I got off of the bus and started to walk home, Alfred nudged me in the arm.

"What do you want?" I asked him.

"Francis is going to invite a bunch of people to his house friday night. Then we might end up having a huge sleepover. His parents are fine with it. I am invited therefore, you are automatically invited. Even Francis says so! You want to come or not? Gilbert is going to go, for your information."

My ears perked up. If Gilbert is going, I won't feel alone.

"I won't mind going. Okay, I will go then." I answered him.

* * *

Friday night. I wore my best hoodie and brung my best looking PJs. I wanted to be good looking even at a sleepover. I may not be the best looking, but at least I could look neat. Alfred and I walked all the way to Francis's house.

His house is a big mansion. I swear it was the miniature version of Hogwarts or something. His whole entire family is filled with rich relatives. That is probably where they get their money from. Alfred and I went into one of the bedrooms and settled in there. Although I prefer a room with Gilbert. France burst open the door of our guest room.

"Hey you guys! we are going to go play spin the bottle, so come into my room so we can play it.

* * *

Spin the bottle. Almost every one was there. Feliciano, Kiku, Heracles, Ludwig, Arthur, Francis, My brother. Even some girls. Like Elizabeta, Natalia and Yekaterina. It was going to be a big game of Spin the bottle. France's parents were going to be out for the night. France took advantage of that fact. I already know crazy shit is going to happen now.

All of us sat in a group. I sat next to Gilbert, well he choose to sat next to me. We are so attached to each other that Alfred ask me about him and me all the time.

Francis spined the bottle first. It landed on Arthur. Arthur Looked at him in shocked and gave him a weird look.

"Are you serious?" He whined and argued.

"Come on have some fun for once!" Francis argued back.

"Okay, fine." Arthur gave in and agreed. Then Francis went back to his spot.

Francis went over to him and kissed him on the cheeks. This was my first time playing the game. I didn't know you had to kiss. I don't want to waste my first kiss in this game. Yet again, would it even count?

Arthur spin the bottle. Which landed on my Brother. Ouch. No one was getting any action from a the girls.

Alfred looked at Arthur in a weird way as well.

"Are we going to do this?" Alfred asked.

"Well I did it with france, would it matter as well?" Arthur answered back. So Arthur kissed him on the cheeks as well.

The game went on as usual. Alfred landed on Yekaterina. (I bet he liked it very much.) Yekaterina landed on Elizabeta. (Bonus points because its lesbians and the guys enjoyed it.) Elizabeta landed on Natalia. (Yay for lesbians again!) Natalia landed on Ludwig. Ludwig landed on Feliciano.(Well those two were very good friends and so opposite so it even made it better.) Feliciano landed on kiku. (Japan looked uncomfortable.) Kiku landed on Heracles. (Those two love birds did more than kissing.) The game continued on for a half an hour.

Then, Gilbert landed on me. Oh shit I had no idea what to do.

"Um, Gilbert, this is my first time. I don't know what to do at all." I whimpered to him.

"It's okay I know what to do" he explained to me in a calming voice. I'll trust him to do something with me just this one time.

Gilbert put his arms around my waist and pull me in closer to his face. His lips collided with mine. My heart started pounding and my stomach felt like it was in a knot. I put my arm around him as well. We lasted for about a minute before letting go of each other. Our faces back away and both of us looked into each others eyes. I don't why, but it felt right. I wouldn't be ashamed to say Gilbert was my first kiss.


	8. Chapter 8: No Title XD

Every one in the room started at me and Gilbert.

"Whoa Dude, you totally took it really far. I thought you would be too much of a wimp to do anything!" My brother Alfred teased and cheered.

"Well it's Gilbert so I didn't mind." I confessed. Gilbert right next to me blushed.

"I'm super awesome that's why! I mean what man or lady wouldn't want to touch their lips with mine?" He busted out. I giggled. GIlbert grabbed me and hugged me close to his chest. I could feel his warmth and his heart beating.

"Alright lets do something else, we played this game for long enough." Francis Announced.

Kiku and Heracles went up stairs, probably to take cats naps with each other. I always knew they were in a relationship. On my way to go use the bathroom in school, I caught them trying to squeeze in some kisses in the restroom. They majorly freaked out when I walked in. I had a conversation with them and told them I wouldn't tell a single soul. Now they both came out of the closet with each other. To be honest I think it's pretty cute of them. I hope for the best of them.

Arthur and Alfred just went in the living room to play video games like always. Frances sneaked off and joined Ludwig and his group of friends.

Which meant, Gilbert and I were alone.

"Um, well what would you like to do now" I spoke up and asked him.

"I would like to go and speak to you and hang out in your guest room." He replied and answered.

Both of us went into Alfred's and I guest bedroom. I sat on the bed criss crossed and so did he.

"Mattie" He said. My heart fluttered. What did he want? I wanted to know badly. "I think I'm falling for you. I know my brother told you about me and you didn't care. I just wanted to let you know incase. You're so awesome as a person. More awesome than me. And I am saying a lot here right now."

I can't believe what my ears heard. Who in the right mind would ever like me? I'm the most screwed up person I know personally. I live every day wanted to die, now I don't. Just cause of Gilbert. Now he likes me? How am I supposed to react? I get a weird feeling I can't describe when I'm around him. It feels good at the same time too. My head is in a jumble and so confused.

"Hey Gilbert." I addressed. "What do you call it when you always feel weird.. and yet happy around someone? Especially if it is a good feeling. It's always towards you and only you." I asked him. I could see Gilbert shed a few tears from his red eyes.

"I why you crying? I just asked a question cause I was confused." I was getting worried. Did I do something wrong? I'm not used to this whole being liked by some one thing. Oh boy I screwed up big time. I almost sat up when Gilbert began to spoke.

"I'm shedding some tears cause I'm happy. Just happy you feel that way about me. No other guy has felt this way about me. They always told me to back off." He spoke and almost sobbed. At this point all I wanted to do was cuddle him up and hug him. Moved myself next to him and put my arm around him. Pulled him closer towards me so he was on my chest.

Gilbert was so heavy that he pushed me over on my back. Could he tell I was too skinny and underweight? I seriously hope not.

"Mattie, are you really that skinny?" Gilbert asked and looked really worried.

"Um well, I never eat, and I am never hungry." I tried to convince him. That was a lie. I starved as another form of harming myself. I only eat when we had maple syrup and pancakes/waffles.

"Well Mattie, some day I'll take you out on a date and feed you all the waffles and pancakes you want. I'll even cook pancakes for you tomorrow if you would like." That made my stomach feel hungry again. I am craving pancakes definitely right now.

"I heard your stomach rumble, we both should get something to eat from down stairs." Gilbert suggested in a cute voice. How can I refuse? Guess like I will have to go through this one.

Both of us ended up eating pizza that Francis ordered. People all around us was eating all the munchies like crazy. With the small stomach I have, I could only gulp down two slices. Gilbert kept on urging me to eat more but I didn't want to really.

Gilbert and I went back into the guest bedroom. We layed next to each other. Both of us joked around and talked about stupid things we have done before. Personally my stories weren't that great. On the other hands his are funnier.

"I remembered the time I decided to go on the weird part of youtube." I explained to him. "There was a bunch of videos of a green Llama like thing jumping wildly. Well just a bunch of weird videos. I don't really have a life really."

"It's okay, I like trolling on 4chan and omegle webcam. I really like encountering guys and telling them how small their wangs are." He stated.

Gilbert went on top of me and gave me a gentle kiss on the lips. I put my arms around him and pulled him in closer. I opened my mouth wider and let his lips be more open. Soon his tongue collided with mine. Personally I really like the taste. As a kid I always thought it was gross and that you could get germs. Now I understand why couples like it. I never could share my love with anyone. Now I can. What started out so simple of a relationship turned complexed. My insights tell me so. What about Gilbert? What does he think of us both like this?

I backed away a little. "Um Gilbert?" I whispered.

"What my dear?" He questioned me.

"What do you think of me and you like this? We became something more then friends in such a short moment. I'm just confused." I told him my thoughts.

"Do you believe in love in first sight?" He asked me.

"um, I'm not really sure. Maybe it does exist." That was my opinion

"Thats what I feel about you" He confessed to me.

My cheeks were blushing, It really sweet of him to feel that way about me.

Next thing he did, was pull me into a deep kiss right on the bed. I was on bottom. He proceeded to collide his tongue with mine. The feeling felt so perfect, there was no words to describe it. His hands tugged harder on my upper hoodie. I put my arms around him and pulled his body closer to mine.

It felt so delicious that I wanted more of his kisses. Gilbert grabbed the zipper on my hoodie and zipped it down. SHIT. I backed away. I didn't want him to see my scars and unhealed cuts.

"What's wrong?" He worried and asked me. The look on his face was shocking. Like he committed a crime or something.

"um nothing. I guess I'm not ready to go that far!" I laughed. I hid my wounded arm close to my stomach. Gilbert, I can tell him everything about me, but not my secret life. It was a part of me I would never expose to even a special person like Gilbert. I felt guilty, but he would be hurt. Or worse, think differently of me if I told him.

"Oh, it's okay. I'll be ready when you are anytime babe." Gilbert sweetly hinted. I put my fingers between the spaces between his fingers. His hands were warm and soft.

"I'm tired" I said to him. I was getting sleepy so I had to inform him.

"Awh, well lets get into our PJs. Mine are awesome. They have a bunch of yellow birds on them." He suggested.  
"Okay, well I'm going into the bathroom and getting dressed." I said to him. I got off of the bed and looked into my backpack for my pjs.

"Awh you don't want to get dressed in the same room as me?" Gilbert Whined.

"Sorry, I guess I'm not really proud of my body. I'm just skins and bones to other people." I told him what I thought of my body. I got out a long sleeve shirt and a pair of comfortable pajama pants. There wasn't much to show off about myself. I walked out of the bedroom into the hallway leading to the bathroom. The walls were lined up with family pictures and paintings in italian and french style. In the bathroom I was in, it was very pretty. Tiles on the floor were as white as mine at home.

I took off my zip up hoodie to reveal my exposed arms. I haven't cut yet today, no wonder why I felt weird. I guess I won't tonight cause I'm spending it at a friends house. That would be demented to find me in the bathroom bleeding all over the place. Then off came my shirt. I have no abs or muscles at all. Afterwards I put on my long sleeve shirt and took off my jeans. Then came my Pj pants. I took my clothes that I previously wore with me back into the bedroom.

I walked on into Gilbert just only wear PJ pants and no shirt. He had the most muscular abs ever. Now I am just a puny wuss compare to him.

"Um, well, I normally sleep with my shirt off, I hope you don't mind" Gilbert commented on himself.

"I don't mind at all really." I said back to him. Hell yeah I don't mind.

I get under the covers with Gilbert and held him close to me. He did the same as well. His body was really warm, just like a teddy bear. Except he wasn't. Reminded me of my teddy bear I sleep with at night. Which brings me back memories of my mom.

-

_"Hey Matthew today is your birthday right?" Mom woke up by saying. Her auburn hair reflected in the morning light. Her hairstyle was exactly like mine._

_"Um, you woke me up for this Mommy" I whined_

_"Well get out of bed and you can open your first birthday present!"_

_"Fine" I said as I gave in_

_I went to the breakfast table and there she made my favorite breakfast. Pancakes! Next to it was a present wrapped in canadian wrapper. I untired the red ribbon and made it into a nice straight line like it was before. I ripped off the wrapper and opened up to a cardboard box._

_"I like this cardboard box! I'm going to make a rocket ship out of it and become an astronaut mommy!" I smiled and told her_

_I unbox the box and found a tan colored teddy bear. It was furry and fluffy._

_"Awh mommy! This teddy bear is really cuddly! Thank you!" I smiled more and thanked her._

_I sat my new stuffed animal next to me on the kitchen chair. I proceeded to eat my pancakes. My mom was going through a hard time so I was happy I could get a present first thing in the morning._

_"Later we are going to our cousins house to have a party! Are you happy?" My mom told me._

_"Yeah I am! I can't wait!" I tell her in excitement._

_"We better get going and get ready!" She suggested to me._

_"Okay ma' mam!"_

-

_I had a fun birthday party. I got pokemon games for my game boy, a lot of presents, but mostly pokemon stuff. After I went home, I went outside and looked at the stars. I remember the sky being dark blue as it can be. The sun just set, but the stars were shining bright. When I was little, I remember all the constellations and every thing in the stars. I sat down on the green grass with the new teddy bear my mom gave me._

_My mom came outside. "Matthew what are you doing? You should be almost going to bed." She worried about me._

_"Mommy! Look at the stars! You can see scorpius and lupus! Oh and the milky way and big dipper!" I stated._

_"Why that's really smart of you." She acknowledged. "But why do you always look at the stars?"_

_"Because someday I will become an astronaut and go to space!" My hopeful child side of me burst out loud._

_"Well if you dream and work for your goals, they will become true. I know you can do it!" Mother encouraged me._

_Then something shiny flew across the sky. A shooting star! I always loved them. I see one every night, but this time I wanted mommy to make a wish._

_"Mom make a wish! I see a lot of them, so that one is for you!" I told her._

_"Well you can have it, but if you insist, I wish that your dreams will become true." She wished._

_"But mom! You are suppose to wish something for yourself! Not for me!" I whined._

_"No buts Matt. That is my wish!" She teased me. "Well off to bed with you! I hoped you had a wonderful day!"_

_"I did mommy. I really liked it! Thank you!" I smiled up to her and thanked her._

_The look on her face looked happy, which made me happy as well._

_-_

_I started crying. I just heard awful news from my aunt and mother. They are going to make my live with my father. I went into my room and bawled my eyes out. I didn't want to live with them. My relatives and cousins in canada are the only family I had. I didn't want to leave them. I have a brother, but I haven't seen him in years. I held tight and cried into the teddy bear that mom gave me. Why did it have to end up like this? My life was completely turned upside down. I used to be this happy child, now I am not. I'm so messed up. I curled up in my bed and cried myself to sleep._

-

Tears started running down from my face. I tried to hold back the tears, but they came out even more. Before I knew it, I started crying on Gilbert's chest. I felt like such a wimp. I wanted to slice open my arms and bleed on the white tile floors.

"What's wrong Mattie? Did I do something wrong?" Gilbert asked in a extremely worried voice.

"No, something from my almost messed up childhood decided to pop in my memory. Sorry I'm such a weakling sometimes." I apologized

"Why are you apologizing? You have nothing to be sorry for. I had a childhood that was similar to yours. I can understand." He tried to convinced me.

No you don't understand. You will never understand how I cope with it every day in my life. Well you will probably never find out either.

"Well just to let you know, I used to smoke a lot of weed. Then my brother Ludwig had to drag me out of it. He beat me up when I told him I didn't want to stop. I'm glad he did. Boy, doing something dumb of me, was not the best way to cope with it." Gilbert randomly spoke.

I was in major shock. Doing what I was doing is stupid of me too. I can't just quit though. I probably never can.

"How do you cope with it Mattie? I mean bottling it all up isn't healthy. I just wanna know another way to cope. I try to get through the day and make the best out of it." Gilbert spoken randomly again.

"Well the way I cope with it, is dumb as well. I'm afraid you might think of me differently." I confessed to him.

"Well you don't need to tell me if you don't want to." He told me in a sweet voice like always. "Just tell me when you think your ready."

"Okay Gilbert. Right now I am just so tired though. Can we go to sleep?" I told him.

"Yep we can" He whispered. I could tell he was tired too.

I layed my head on his warm chest and closed my eyes and fell into a deep sleep.


	9. Chapter 9: The Cuts

A warm gentle hand touched my shoulder. It shook me back and forth. I lit up my eyes and saw Gilbert on top of me.

"Hai there, it sure is a surprise to see you in the morning, Gilbert." I calmly spoke to him. My voice sounded very surprised at the same time too as well.

"Good Morning, Um, well I have to tell you something Mattie." Gilbert told me. My heart felt like it skipped a beat. I started getting worried. Was it something bad or good? Oh well, he will tell me any ways.

"Your brother kind of found us sleeping like this. He got all weirded out by us sleeping with each other. It was during the middle of the night when he was off to bed. Just thought that you had to know, incase he asks questions later." He explained to me.

"Okay, my brother would become weird about it and then forget about it the next day." I explain to him as well.

Gilbert sat next to me and put his arm around my shoulders. His arms were full of muscle and very buff, unlike me, I'm just the opposite. I put myself closer to his chest. With his arms and him close to me, that made me felt safe.

Alfred busted in the room opening the wooden door.

"Well Francis's parents are going to be here soon. So we should get ready to leave. Also Matthew, you can take Gilbert with you. By that, I mean take him to your house and hang out and stuff." Alfred blurted out loud.

"Sounds like a plan to me" I replied to him. I was surprised he didn't question about me and Gilbert yet. Maybe he will. I should really prepare my answer for that.

* * *

Back at my house Gilbert and I were enjoying some good breakfast. Which is pancakes like always. I munch on them like Alfred munches on his hamburgers.

"Hey Mattie, you have syrup on your face somewhere." Gilbert pointed out

"Would you like to take it off for me?" I asked him.

"Sure." He replied back. His face came close to mine. What is he going to do? He sticked his toung out and licked the syrup off. With that scene, Alfred decided it was a good time to come in the kitchen. The look on his face was priceless. Not every day you see two boys likcing syrup off of each others faces.

Gilbert and I started at him awkwardly, while he started at us with a weird face.

"Um, well hi guys. That's a good breakfast you have there. Um, I'll go out of the kitchen and let you finish your sexy times." He said and walked out.

Both of us stayed still for about a few minutes. Then Gilbert proceeded to stick his tongue in my mouth. It felt good. I would following the rhythm he was doing. On top of that he tasted like maple syrup which made it even better. We both fell out of our chairs and ended up on the kitchen floor. We continued for about another couple minutes. It tasted, and felt delicious. I put my arms around him and my hands grabbed the back of his hoodie hard.

Thump, thump, those were footsteps. Oh god it might be Alfred. I pushed Gilbert lightly off of me.

"Alfred is coming! Um, we should go somewhere else." I told Gilbert.

"Yeah we should, we have absolutely no privacy here." He agreed with me.

Both of us got off the floor and went into the living room. Turns out Alfred and his friends are hogging the TV playing video games. Which then we both went upstairs into my room.

"Wow I Never seen your room before Mattie, looks pretty boring." Gilbert Commented

"Yeah, I know it is." I said back to him.

I sat down on my bed and layed down. Even thought it was the afternoon, I was pretty tired. It was super warm in my room. Just to the point where I wanted to take off my hoodie. Yet again I couldn't with Gilbert around.

"Just make yourself Comfortable. There is not much I can offer, but if you want something, you can tell me." I offered Gilbert.

"Then you can explain why these sharp objects and bandages are in your drawers?" He turned to me and looked.

At that moment it felt like all my insides explodes everywhere. Just giving up and about to shut off. I couldn't believe my eyes. Gilbert found out about my big drawer of sharp objects. My heart feels like it's about to explode out of my chest. Anxiety started to kick in. Shit, I should have been more aware of my surroundings. The look on Gilbert's face was awful. I could tell he was getting worried dramatically. I started to break down on the floor. My throat felt like it was clogged up and my head was going to all sorts of directions.

"MATTIE! Come on tell me what is happening to you? Oh, shit, I'm getting your brother from down stairs. Wait here, we'll try and get some help" He shouted and went down stairs.

All I felt like was cutting the shit out of my arm. So I stand up and grabbed a sharp knife from the drawer. Then burst out of my room and went in the bathroom. I locked the door faced my back toward it. I rolled up my sleeves and started slicing. Blood dripped down onto the white tile floor and made a huge puddle. I smudged blood all over my skin.

Bang, Bang. Right on the door.

"Matthew, come out of the bathroom right now! We will knock down this door by force if you don't." Yelled my brother Alfred.

"Screw that! Can't you tell that I want to be alone right now?" I yelled back. Frickin idiots. I'm bleeding like hell right now. Then there was more banging.

"Mattie can you please come out? Tell me what is bothering you! Please, I beg of you!" Gilbert begged me.

Tears started flowing from my face, why did Gilbert have to get involved? On top of that, I was starting to get light headed. I guess cutting makes me lose a lot of blood from my system. Next thing I knew is, I collapsed on the right side of my body. Right on the hard cold tiled floor.

* * *

Where am I? Is it heaven or hell? Everything else is white and blurry. The cuts I made earlier don't hurt anymore. Although I can feel new cotton bandages around them. On top of that, I can't feel the warmth of my hoodie that I would always wear.

I looked up, to find Alfred and Gilbert's face staring at me. Well I screwed up shit this time.

"Thank goodness you're awake! I thought you were never going to wake up brother." Alfred said to me. I didn't want to be awake.

"Um, where am I? Insane asylum?" I asked him.

"No, they will put you in one, but they are going to give you a second chance." Alfred explained to me. "They are going to send you home for today, but if you end up slashing your arms again, then we have to send you here."

"Why can't you guys just leave me alone? I don't need help." I complained.

"That's bullshit. You don't know how much Alfred and Gilbert was worried about you! They called the hospital and every thing to come to the house! On top of that, you could have lost a shit ton of more blood. You should be grateful you bloody git!" Arthur in a chair in the corner of the room shouted out.

Are you serious? Me be grateful about this situation?

"Mattie? Why did you do this to yourself? You could have told me about this, I would have helped out. I'm glad I found out before it got out of hand. You don't know how worried I was about you. My eyes were nearly brawling out hard. You can ask Alfred and Arthur about it, they can tell you" Gilbert admitted to me.

My eyes started to tear up.

"I.. Gilbert, I don't know why I do it. Well, the scars will never go away and such.." I tried to explain.

"Well there is always plastic laser surgery to get rid of the scars" A nurse walked in and said.

"What if I don't want to get plastic surgery to get rid of it?" I replied.

"Well you don't need to." She answered back. "Well your brother have the clothes you previously wore, hospital is about to close soon. So sign yourself and come check in daily for therapy."

THERAPY? Out of all things they can do for me. No way in hell I'm coming in here again.

Alfred handed me back my jeans and hoodie. I ended up changed in front of them. They think I will do harm to myself in the bathroom. It's ridiculous.

* * *

The car ride back home was long and awful. It felt worse then being in the hospital. WIth the permission of their parents, GIlbert and Arthur were spending the night with Alfred and I. Again.

They decided to cook some popcorn and watch a movie. On the other hand, I just wanted to sleep. I couldn't sleep alone since I was "a threat to myself."

Gilbert sat next to me on the couch when the movie started. He put his arms around me and pulled me close to him. I didn't know how I felt about this. My head told me to get away from him since he put me in the hospital. The other side of me told me to just drown in his warm heating chest. I choose my other side.

"Are you guys, well, intimate or something? It seemed that way since yesterday. Alfred told me he walked in on you guys sleeping with each other in the bed." Arthur asked Gilbert and I. Personally I didn't know how to respond. To me he was more then a friend. Not sure about the boyfriend thing though.

"Well what ever Mattie says. The awesome me can't answer this question alone." Gilbert gave his answer,

"I don't have an answer, I'm afraid Gilbert will have to answer it." I said. I wanted to say what I thinking badly, but too shy about it.

"If you guys were, I wouldn't care much about it. My Friend Kiku Honda is dating Heracles so It would be douchey of me to be weirded out by it." He commented.

I was getting dramatically tired. It was early night, but I was tired as hell. I ended up half sleeping on GIlbert's chest. The movie was really loud so it woke me up several times. Gilbert put his fingers through my hair and run it through my hair.

"Your hair is soft and shiny." He commented on my hair.

"Um thanks?" This was something I normally wouldn't know how to reply to.

When the movie was over, believe me I was thankful. I fell completely asleep on his chest, but then he woke me up by trying to get off the couch.

Gilbert's arms went beneath my body and picked me up. Oh my god. I'm in Gilbert's arm. My heart thumped a lot. So hard that I could hear it in my head. It was hard to resist opening my eyes to see Gilbert's face. We walked up the stairs and into the hall way. Then kicked my door open and laid me down on my bed. I opened my eyes, just to see his face. What was the word to describe it? Beautiful? Gorgeous? Handsome? It would always stay in my mind though. Just like a pretty flower. One can't resist picking it up and smelling its flora smell.

"Hey you're awake!" Gilbert said in surprise.

"Well, I just wanted to see your face. Even though I'm pretty damn tired." I said to him back.

He touched my face and stroked his fingers against it.

"You know... You have really soft skin. It's like.. touching a baby's butt. Not that I ever touched one before or anything." He blushed and complimented me.

"Oh you pedo!" I teased him.

Gilbert bend his head over my face. His gray shiny hair was down and his red were something to drown in. He bent lower down to kiss my lips. Mmm. His were soft and taste like butter from the popcorn. As always, I put my arms around him and got his body closer to mine. It was so warm I couldn't resist it. Temptation was something to easily give into.

Then his face lift up from mine.

"Mattie, this question of mine was really never answered but.. Why do you self injure? I mean, can you trust me enough to tell me why please?" Gilbert asked.


	10. Chapter 10: Beginning to Start Living

I really didn't know how to respond to Gilbert's question. My body heat temperature started rising. The room itself started feeling humid to me. My sweatshirt was begging to be taken off.

"Um, I was alone and depressed. It seemed like no one would care if I did it anyways." I responded. There were days even at school where the teachers marked me absent, since I was so quiet.

The face on Gilbert was a sad one. It broke my heart to see it. It makes me want to stop for his stakes.

"Well, Alfred would have cared. And your friends would have too." Gilbert responded.

They would care now, but they wouldn't back then. They never knew me, and I only started getting noticed because of Gilbert.

"I wasn't really friends with Alfred's friends. Not until I met you. Perhaps you got me out of my turtle shell?" Honestly, I don't want to talk to him about this any more. It's going to make my eyes tear up and make me look like a wimp.

Gilbert lay down next to me on the bed. He took the blankets and put it over on both of us. My blankets always were soft even in these kinds of times.

"Mattie it's going to okay, I been to Hell and back. I use to be like you, but replace Cutting with Smoking pot." He whispered to me.

I really couldn't believe what my ears heard. Gilbert doesn't look like a guy who would smoke pot.

"But then I realized, my problems won't go away, even if I kept on smoking it. I used to a real asshole, since I only cared about myself and not others. That when the realization that came to me, that I should quit. So glad that choice of mine was made."

Gilbert had his arms around me and hugged me closer to his chest.

"Do you feel my heart beating? It wouldn't be as much if I continued on with my bad lifestyle. Mattie, if can do it, you can do it as well."

Then he put his head close to mine.

"Cause you can't get out of a hole if you don't climb out of it."

Personally, I didn't know what to say back to him. He was trying to help me when I didn't want it. Made me feel like a douche.

"Well I'll try no promises." I snuggled up to him and compromised him.

"Okay, I'm about to fall asleep. Well night Mattie."

"Good night to you as well."

Their ends both of our dramatic night. Probably more to come as well.

-

As fall ended, then came the cold snowy winter. I loved it. I could watch hockey and play in the snow. Sounds really childish of me, but snow is amazing. The white fluffiness makes me cozy inside. As you can tell, I am not a summer person at all. Never liked hot weather in my life.

Brighton has good hills in the park to go sledding at. Heck, I can even walk to my nearest park and go sledding. I can already imagine me and Gilbert walking on the ice and having fun. Thanksgiving break is coming up so I can see him more often.

Ever since Gilbert found out about my cutting, he has been checking my wrists. At night, my urges come and try to take me over. Gilbert would be hurt by me if I did give in, so I just decided to doodle on my notebook or something. Practice will make me draw better.

Alfred has been helping me too along the way. Instead of cutting, I try and talk to him. He may not fully understand it, but he tries and help. I been trying to look in the mirror and try and say something positive about myself each time. My mood has been getting better. I'm not in a bad mood as much as I used to be any more. It definitely beats being a half empty person.

Lately, when Gilbert comes over, we almost do stuff more then kissing. I'm fine with making out with shirts off. Any more than that, I'm not ready for. Gilbert understands, so he doesn't mind. Personally this made me feel bad. I can't please him as he likes to be. Sex is something Gilbert would like from me someday, but he's willing to wait. My mind tells me to be smart and wait, but my insight is telling me I should please him. We haven't decided to be a couple yet, so it would be weird.

Tonight I am going to see Gilbert. It made a Canadian boy like me happy inside. So happy that I felt like a flying mint bunny riding a unicorn on a rainbow.

I sat on top of my bed and got out my backpack. I opened it up and packed pajamas and extra clothing. Next came all the "must haves", like a toothbrush or a comb. Switched out my phone and went down the contact list to Gilbert's number. Pushed the call button and put the phone to my ear. Gilbert picked up.

"Well, I'm coming over to spend the night at your house. I just got packed up." I spoke into the phone.

"I'll be waiting halfway through so you don't need to walk alone." Gilbert informed me.

"Awh, you really don't need to, but thanks! I'll be seeing you then!"

"Okay, see you!"

Then we both hanged up. I went down stairs to inform Alfred I was going, then out the door I went.

Gilbert was leaning against the stop sign that we would always meet up at. His face lit up when he saw me, I was the same as well. He ran up to me and gave me a hug. His body was warm in this November air.

"My brother and I are planning to go out to eat somewhere, you're invited!" He told me first thing.

"I didn't bring any money..." I replied back in a disappointed voice.

"Don't worry, we will pay for the rest of it, you are the guest here."

"If you say so then, I guess we shall make our way towards your house then."

Gilbert and I walked through the cold winter air holding hands. His hands were soft and warm. Every breath I made, I could see it in the chilly air. I'm glad that winter is here.


	11. Chapter 11: Restaurant Time!

On the couch, Gilbert and I had warm fluffy blankets both of us. White cups in hands drinking hot chocolate. Gilbert, Ludwig, Feliciano and I were sitting all in a circle, figuring out where to go eat. Thinking about it, reminded me of maple syrup.

"How about we go a nice place where they have extremely delicious pasta? Pasta is amazing! How about that?" Feliciano suggested.

"Feli, we just went to one almost a few days ago. You eat pasta every day. Let's go someplace different for a change." Ludwig denied.

"BUT, pasta is amazing! We can order some with different seasoning and different style of sauce!" Feliciano argued back.

"Nope, sorry but nope. No means no. We are going someplace different." Ludwig argued back.

"awh..." Feliciano whined. He pretended to go cry in the corner. I giggled. Silly him.

"We never gave Mattie a chance to decide where to eat before. How about we let him choose? It's going to all our first time eating out with him." Gilbert spoke forward and stated.

My face lit up. Some place I would like to eat at? I could think of a lot of food I would like to eat. Maple syrup and pancakes and waffles would sound good. Then one place appeared up in my mind that I haven't been to in a long time.

"Well if you guys seriously want my opinion.. WAFFLE HOUSE!" I said to them. I like Konata from lucky star yelling that out loud.

"I agree with Mattie, waffle house would sound good. He loves pancakes with maple syrup more then anything." Gilbert agreed. "And probably more then me"

"HEY" I yelled out loud. "It's hard to choose between you! I will die trying to figure out who to choose! On my grave it will say, 'Matthew Williams, died of a hard decision to choose between Gilbert Beilschmidt and Waffles'!"

"Tee hee, you look so cute when you are blushing, Mattie" Gilbert had to obviously point out.

"I barely know what a waffle is but okay I'll go along with it." Feliciano said.

"Then Waffle House it is! Get ready to go, cause it's going to be a good drive for an half hour!" Ludwig announced.

We all finished our hot chocolate. Then off in the car we all went.

-

GIlbert and I sat in the back of the car while Feliciano sat in the pilot seat, and Ludwig driving. Both of us leaned on each and fell asleep. Gilbert has bold and strong muscular shoulders. They were warm as well. I could see him being a prince and protecting me from evil. By "evil" I mean monsters in Video games like Zelda or Fire emblem. He could his strong sword and slice away the enemies. By sword I meant a weapon, not what yaoi fangirls can think of. But, that is pretty hot as well.

By the time we both got up, the car was one mile away from waffle house. It was night earlier than usual. The dark night was always more comfortable then the day time. My eyes hurt less when I go outside to go to the park or something. No one can see you and that means more alone time.

Our car pulled up into a snowy salted parking lot. Finally here at Waffle House. Seeing the yellow sign with the bold black letters lit up my hunger. It made me happy to see it after so long. Last time I was here was when I was little. When mom and dad were together. Along with Alfred. Alfred and I would drown our pancakes and Waffles in maple syrup. As a kid, I always drunk it up,even though my whole family yelled at me for it. The awesome me, didn't care and kept on drinking it. Oh wow I'm thinking like Gilbert now.

We all got out of the car into the cold weather. Cold air wind blasted in my face. It was crazy out there. Snow and little ice crystals went against my face as well. I was lucky since my glasses protected my eyes anyways. I wanted to laugh in their faces just cause they didn't have awesome sauce glasses like me. ARGH, Gilbert moment again.

In a couples meters we walked into the entrance of the waffle house. All the warm air that rushed against my face felt nice. The waitress at the entrance set us down to a table we can sit at. I sat next to Gilbert. Obiviously. Then Feliciano and Ludwig sat next to each other.

Everything in the restaurant looked beautiful and smelled good. The black and white tiles looked nice. It was my vision of heaven on earth. Or waffle heaven. Waffle Heaven would be an awesome place. The river and ocean would be maple syrup and I could see polar bears everywhere and some of them could fly in the sky. On top of that, squirrels can as well. Maybe Arthur can come along and bring his magical friends along. My brother Alfred always says he's hallucinating. I have as well but they weren't so pretty.

"Hey Mattie, stop daydreaming and decided what you want on the menu already!" Gilbert started out.

"Isn't it pretty obvious what I want? Pancakes and waffles, lots of them too!" I replied to him without a second thought.

"Well I guess for you, it's waffles and pancakes."

Then the waitress lady came along and took our order. She was so nice to us. Ludwig and Feliciano were hitting on her the whole time. What manwhores they were. They are probably man whores to each other in their alone time. If you know what I mean..

"So what would you like to do tomorrow? Is there any thing winter related that you are good at? cause we can do that if you want." Gilbert Asked.

"Hockey! Sledding as well. I love both of them a lot. So we can plan them out tomorrow! Well if you know a good place." Afterwards, I rubbed myself against Gilbert and put my arms around him. I had no reason why I wanted to do that, but my instinct told me to. Hoped Gilbert didn't mind.

"Awh Mattie stop it! You're making my feelings feel good! Stop it, bad boy!" He mocked me.

"Gilbert, calmed down, we are in a public place. People can hear. All they want to do is eat in peace. So Calm down." Ludwig spoke in a soft voice. But loud enough so we can both hear it.

"Fine, but still, Mattie and I are going to be loud tonight when he sleeps with me"

I blushed and tried to cover up my face. How can Gilbert say something like that in public? One like me could never bring that up in public.

"There is no need to hide it Mattie. Your face is all red and I can see it." Gilbert whisper in my ear and put his head on my shoulder.

"St-stop it Gilbird. Your making me heat up on my face even more." I stuttered out

"Okay I'll stop teasing you. Although I do have a surprise when we are all done eating. You'll like the surprise too!" Gilbert mocked me even more. But in a good way probably.

"Hey you said you would stop teasing me! That is such a lie!" I pointed out to him.

"Well, I guess we will have to just see then after we are done eating!"


	12. Chapter 12: The Surprise

Oh yay. Gilbert is now mocking me with a surprise. What a brat, that is not awesome. I do want to see the surprise. He's making me tempted to. Why wait though? It may not seem like it, but a calm person like me is very impatient. Dang you Gilbert for making me wait!

"You seem like you can't wait now canadian boy!" He teased me even more.

"Well that's not very nice of you at all Gilbird! I'm going to pour maple syrup all over your face!" I frustratedly said to him.

"That's very naughty of you! You know I would like that anyways." He put in a kinky voice.

Ludwig and Feliciano looked at us with a weird face.

"Once again it is hard to calm you down Gilbert. Be a little more quiet, this is a public area. People are going get disturbed by what you say. Some people will get offended" Ludwig lectured, "So calm down and just wait for the food to come." Then he sighed. He looked like he was tired by just lecturing Gilbert. I wonder if he get lectured every time they eat somewhere. I'm surprised that Ludwig didn't yell at me as well. I mean I am part of the conversation.

"Fine brother, even though when you drink beer you won't shut up." Gilbert replied. Even though I could tell he didn't care for what his brother said to him. For a moment it reminded me of my dad when he lectures Alfred as well. The good times we had when mom and dad were together.

"Oh, and also, Matthew feel free to calm Gilbert down if he get too loud." Ludwig added in.

"Well um I don't know what to" Then Gilbert cuts me off.

"Hey, Mattie wouldn't do that, he loves me too much. He wouldn't mind!" Surprisingly, he didn't yell it out this time. It was actually in a normal voice.

"Awh that is so cute of you two!" Feliciano blurt out.

"um, well that is true." I blushed.

"Oh yay! Our food came out!" Feliciano noticed a girl walking out of the kitchen. The lady was in a waitress uniform and had a plate on her spread out hands. I could see the delicious waffles and pancakes on one of the plates. Oh god, if it wasn't meant for our table, I would murder someone. It would be a surprise hearing that from a person like me. Since I am mostly a calm person by nature.

Fortunately, the waitress lady, did come to our table. She sets down our plates. Ludwig ordered some hash browns, so did Feli. Gilbert ordered some pancakes while I had waffles. But, we are going to share. Which is the best about having a friend who is almost your boyfriend! I don't know if it will ever happen, but if it does, I wouldn't mind.  
Gilbert and I already act like a couple in a way. We hang with each other, sleep and cuddle with each other, give each other kisses, and etc. I don't see why we can't quit being friends and start being a couple. Someday, I'll be able to tell him my true feelings for him. Or maybe he will approach me. Well in my dream that will happen.

Gilbert and I shared and split pancakes and waffles. I put a shit load of butter and syrup on mine. Every one else looked at me in surprise. I mean, don't normally devour this much unless it's pancakes and waffles.

Less then 20 minutes, were all were done eating. My stomach felt extremely full. Gilbert wrapped his arms around me and pinched my cheek.

"See, I told you would go somewhere and eat some pancakes and waffles! I never break my things I promise! Even though we never made a promise about that!" Gilbert spoke in a flirty voice.

"Aww thanks, I had a fun time so far!" I replied back.

"is everything going good?" The waitress came around and asked.

"Yes thank you for asking." Ludwig replied.

"Well here is your receipt. You can pay it up at the cash register. Well after you are done, but it does look like it. Have a good day!" Then she walked off. While she left the receipt on the counter.

"Okay well guys get up, we are going now. Don't worry, I'll pay! It's my treat Matthew!" He told us all.

"Thanks! That was very nice of you!" I replied to him.

So we all got up and walked to the cash register and paid up. Then we had to walk into the cold. Once again, my awesome glasses sort of protected my eyes. Into the car we went. The car seat was cold, but I had Gilbert sitting next to me and I was getting warm with him. I was getting sleepy though. I was almost falling asleep on him.

"It's okay, you can sleep on my lap if you want. I don't mind. I'm sleepy as well." Gilbert started out.

"Thanks! Well I guess I am going to sleep on you then." I replied to him back. So I put my head on his lap. It was warm and comfy. I can somewhat feel his leg muscles and, I guess thats really hot as well. Argh bad me! I shouldn't think like right now. Maybe later when we all get home. So I closed my eyes and fell into a nap.  
"Hey, Mattie I don't want to wake you up, but we are at home right now. Which kinds of means.. my awesome lap can't be slept on right now."

"wait what? Maple Syrup?" I woke up saying half sleeping.

"Sorry Mattie, I guess I will have to carry you then." He said.

He wasn't joking when he said he would carry me. He lift me up from the car seat and took me inside. Then walked all the way into his room and dropped me off at the top of his bed.

"Um, I'm awake now." I said to him. "and thanks for carrying me. I must be very heavy."

"No, you're pretty light weight compared to my relatives. They wiegh alot. I guess we have big bones and muscles." Gilbert explained to me.

"Well, that explains why you have muscles I guess. Sorry, I been.. looking at them?" I said to him. That was awkward and embarrassing of me to say personally right in frount of him.

"Really Mattie? That made me want to blush, you monster!"

"Sorry, it was the truth." Then I blushed as well.

Then Gilbert walked over and laid on the bed next to me. I was warming up with him next to me. My heavy coat was still on and same with my hoodie. I took off my Coat and hoodie and threw it on the floor.

Oh shit I forgot I still have self injury scars. What if Gilbert gets offended by it? Gilbert convinced me not to do it every time I wanted to. I held my scared up arm close to my stomach and tried to hide some of of my scar ridden arm. Even though it just scars now, I was ashamed of myself and of them.

Some day, when I am out of this cycle of hell, the scars are going to be there still. People will look and ask why they are there, and where they came from. What do I tell them?

"Mattie, you know you don't need to hide it from me. I Still think your amazing, even with all your scars and bruises. Cause the person I see, is you. Not your scars or anything. I thought I would just let you know. If you don't like them, I understand, just still wanted to send you this message."

I turned my head towards him in surprise. I rarely let him see my arm. He understands my situation better then any one.

"You really think that? I'm left speechless then." I told him. This made me want to bring tears to my eyes, just because of the memories of him caring for me. When I didn't care for myself.  
"Well, thats what you get for having an awesome boyfriend." He said to me

Wait a moment. Gilbert and I are boyfriends? I didn't know that.

"When did you decided that? I'm really confused right now." I told him.

"Sorry , I didn't told you properly or asked." He sighed. And turn to me and put his hands on my shoulders.

"Matthew, you probably know this but, would you like to be my boyfriend? I mean, I have major feelings for you. Even if you don't like me like that, I'll understand and still be your friend. I'll go find someone else." Gilbert confessed to me straight on in my face.

"That not the thing, I do like you back as well. I mean, I never been in relationships so I don't know what to do and stuff. Does that mean we are going out?" I confessed back to him.

Gilbert hugged me suddenly, and put both his whole arm around me.

"I'm glad you feel that way as well. I thought you just wanted to experiment some times so I went along just to make you happy. All the other guys just wanted to be experimental buddies. It broke my heart so badly, I thought I could never find any one!"

Then I could feel him hugging tighter on me. Whimpering noises were coming from him too as well. Why is he like this?

"I'm so happy. Your a guy who finally feels the same way about me back. I don't need to be played around any more. Thank you so much. I feel like it's a fairytale come true."

Then he back away a little and look at me straight in the eyes. Tears were coming from his eyes and he had a shining big smile.

"I'll make you proud to call me your boyfriend, I'll do stuff to make you very happy. I mean, you make me happy, so I should make you happy back!" He explained to me.

"Gilbert, you already made me proud to call you my boyfriend. You don't even have to try. You done tons of stuff to make me happy." I replied to him.

I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close. His head was under mine so i stroked his hair. It was really soft and shiny. Gilbert's silver hair is always beautiful. It was always naturally straight and well taken care of. I couldn't blow that off with my hair. It was always tangled up and curly. With Gilbert, he doesn't even try. He is just perfect in my eyes.

How come all the other guy just wanna be fuck buddies with him? Thats not right. He is worth more than that to me.

"Sorry about doing some stuff with you Gilbert. I wanted to be together as well too, but didn't know what it meant at that time."

"It's alright, we can do it all you want if you want. Well this time, with both of our loves!"

"Well, kiss me then, I like when you do that!" I requested in a sweet voice.

Gilbert locked his arms around me and kissed me gently on my lips. It felt like an angel. I sometimes wonder why he even exist sometimes. I never met anyone that nice besides my brother Alfred. I'm always glad Gilbert is always there almost every day in my life.

From this day forward, I hope our love is going to be great and brilliant as ever.

His face backed away a little bit.

"This is the surprise I wanted to propose to you always. I hoped you liked it.

"That was the surprise? That was sweet of you! Even though I totally forgot completely about it." Then I gave him a big hug.

The end. Or is it?

***Authors note: I'm not planning to end this story yet. I'm so emotionally attached to it like a baby xD It's the first fanfiction I ever wrote in my life. I feel as there is some things in this story that still needs to be resolved itself. So expect a sequel for sure :3***


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